We’ve all experienced moments of anxiety. It’s normal to be nervous before giving a presentation or going into a new situation. It happens to all of us.
However, being diagnosed with anxiety is a different ballgame entirely. I was about 10 or 11 when I had my first panic attack. I still remember it. Of course, it wasn’t given a name. I was a kid. What kid has panic attacks? I wasn’t given the diagnosis of anxiety until I was in my mid-20s.
As it turned out, it runs in the family. Somewhat ironically, others were diagnosed before me. I didn’t think I was that good at hiding it, but maybe I have better acting skills than I thought. Initially, I was on and off medication. I made the mistake of thinking that once I felt better, I’d be okay without medication. That happens with some people. Not me. I’m not even sure how long I played that game, but at this point, I’ve been on medication for at least 10 years.
At some point, I realized that I like myself better when I’m on medication. Meds aren’t a cure, don’t mistake what I’m saying. My anxiety isn’t gone. However, medication tones it down to more of a background level. My mind still usually tries to jump to the worst-case scenario, and it’s way too easy to let a thousand stupid thoughts into my head, even when I know better. But it’s tolerable. I can push it away and go about life.
Usually. I don’t often have panic attacks, but they do occasionally happen. There’s not always a rhyme or reason to them. I’ve woken from a dead sleep to find myself in the middle of one. Other times, I can link them to something happening.
You’d think that someone who’s familiar with panic attacks would recognize one, right? I sometimes do. Sometimes it takes a while. Which is why it took me a full 24 hours to recognize them this time. At first, I just felt… off. I attributed that to staying out late the night before, not getting much sleep, and being slightly hungover.
Until ALL the signs appeared. Because you can’t fully appreciate a prolonged anxiety attack (or multiple panic attacks) unless it all shows up for the party.
You’re restless, even if you’re tired.
You’re shaky. Or shaking. Or both.
Your heartrate increases, and you breathe faster than normal.
You feel like you could crawl out of your own skin.
You feel sick. Chances are, you won’t BE sick, but you feel like it.
Your mind won’t shut off, but you also can’t concentrate on anything. I attempted to read my way through it. Didn’t work.
Now imagine doing that on repeat for hours and hours. Here’s another issue. I do take medication, but it’s not designed to interrupt a panic attack. I’ve never needed it before. And frankly, I didn’t want to go to urgent care and be that person. Because apparently, I can own my medical conditions, but someone actually witnessing one of those conditions is a different story. And that’s something I need to work on.
I’m still anxious. My anxiety hasn’t gone back down to its previous level, but it’s manageable. I know what triggered it. There’s no real way to avoid that trigger, unfortunately. Sometimes you just have to suck it up.
A.S. Polen - Author 